Before You Say Yes Again: The Boundary-Setting Practice That Changes Everything
You say yes.
You immediately regret it.
You do it anyway.
Sound familiar?
Maybe it's the friend who asks for one more favor. The family member who "needs" you to handle something. The coworker who knows you'll pick up the slack. The partner who assumes you'll adjust your schedule—again.
And you say yes—not because you want to, but because saying no feels impossible.
Because saying no means disappointing someone. Letting them down. Being selfish. Not being the person they've come to rely on.
So you say yes. You add it to your already-full plate. You push down the resentment. You tell yourself it's fine, it's not a big deal, you can handle it.
Until one day you can't.
If you're exhausted from giving more than you receive, if you're drowning in everyone else's needs while your own go unmet, if you've forgotten what it feels like to do something just because YOU want to—this is for you.
Why "Just Say No" Doesn't Work
Here's what most advice about boundaries gets wrong: It assumes the problem is that you don't know HOW to say no.
But that's not the issue, is it?
You know the words. You've heard the scripts. "I can't take that on right now." "That doesn't work for me." "I need to prioritize my own wellbeing."
The problem isn't that you don't know how to say no.
The problem is that saying no feels like a betrayal of who you're supposed to be.
For Black women especially, you've inherited scripts about what it means to be a "good" woman:
A good woman shows up for her people, no matter what.
A good woman doesn't put herself first.
A good woman handles things, even when it's hard.
A good woman doesn't complain or ask for help—she just gets it done.
These aren't just ideas—they're survival strategies that kept your grandmother safe, that helped your mother navigate impossible situations, that were passed down as instructions for how to exist in a world that often demanded your strength while offering little support in return.
And now you're here, trying to set boundaries while fighting generations of programming that says boundaries equal selfishness.
No wonder it feels impossible.
The Real Reason Boundaries Feel Impossible
Let's name what's actually happening when you struggle to say no:
You believe other people's comfort is more important than your own.
Not consciously. Not in theory. But in practice? When it comes down to their disappointment or your discomfort, you choose your discomfort every time.
You fear that boundaries will cost you your relationships.
There's a deep, often unspoken fear: "If I'm not always available, always giving, always accommodating—will they still want me around? Will I still matter?"
You've built your identity around being the person who shows up.
You're the reliable one. The strong one. The one people call when they need something. If you start saying no, who are you?
You don't believe your needs are as valid as everyone else's.
Other people's requests feel urgent, important, justified. Your own needs feel optional, negotiable, less important. So when there's a conflict, you default to sacrificing your needs to meet theirs.
These beliefs aren't character flaws. They're survival patterns. And they're exactly what we need to challenge if you want to protect your energy while maintaining your relationships.
The 3-Second Pause Technique
Here's the practice that changes everything:
When someone asks you for something, pause for 3 seconds before you respond.
That's it. Three seconds.
In those three seconds, ask yourself one question: "What do I actually want here?"
Not what you should want. Not what would make them happy. Not what the "good" version of you would do.
What do YOU actually want?
If the answer is yes—a genuine, willing yes—say yes.
If the answer is no, or even "I'm not sure," don't say yes yet.
Instead, try one of these:
"Let me check my calendar and get back to you."
"I need to think about that before I commit."
"Can I let you know tomorrow?"
This buys you time to get clear on what you actually want without the pressure of someone waiting for your answer.
Boundary Scripts That Feel Authentic (Not Aggressive)
Once you know your answer is no, here's how to say it in a way that honors both you and the other person:
The Simple No
"I can't take that on right now."
No explanation needed. No justification required. Just a clear, direct answer.
The Appreciative No
"I appreciate you thinking of me, but I'm not available for that."
Acknowledges the request without agreeing to it.
The Alternative No
"I can't do [what they're asking], but I could do [smaller/different thing] if that helps."
Offers support without sacrificing your boundary.
The Honest No
"I want to say yes because I care about you, but I genuinely don't have the capacity right now. Saying yes would mean I'd be resentful or wouldn't follow through well, and neither of us wants that."
Speaks to the relationship while holding the boundary.
The Delayed No
"I need to check in with myself about this. Can I get back to you by [specific time]?"
Gives you space to decide without pressure.
Important: You don't owe anyone an elaborate explanation for your no. "I'm not available" is a complete sentence.
What Happens When You Start Setting Boundaries
Let's be real about what to expect:
Some people will be disappointed. That's not your responsibility to fix. People can be disappointed without you being wrong for setting the boundary.
Some relationships will shift. The ones that were based on what you could do for people rather than who you actually are might fade. That's not a loss—that's clarity.
You might feel guilty at first. Guilt doesn't mean you did something wrong. It often just means you did something different. The guilt will lessen as you practice.
You will have more energy for what (and who) actually matters. When you stop giving your energy to obligations that drain you, you have capacity for the people and activities that nourish you.
You will discover who respects your boundaries—and who doesn't. This is valuable information about which relationships are healthy and which need to change.
The Boundary That Protects Your Energy While Deepening Connection
Here's the paradox: The relationships that matter most actually get BETTER when you set boundaries.
Because when you show up authentically—giving because you want to, not because you feel obligated—your presence is more genuine, your generosity is more sustainable, and your relationships are built on truth rather than resentment.
The people who truly care about you don't want you to sacrifice yourself for them. They want you to show up as your real self—rested, resourced, and genuinely available, not drained and resentful.
Boundaries aren't walls that keep people out. They're the framework that lets you show up fully—without burning out.
Start With One Boundary This Week
You don't have to overhaul your entire life today.
Just practice one boundary this week:
Say no to ONE thing you would usually say yes to.
Notice what comes up. The guilt, the fear, the discomfort—all of it. Notice it, breathe through it, and hold your boundary anyway.
Then notice what happens.
Does the person actually reject you, or do they just adjust? Does the world fall apart, or does it keep turning? Do you feel guilty, or do you feel free?
You can be loving AND boundaried.
You can care deeply AND protect your energy.
You can show up for others AND honor yourself.
These aren't contradictions—they're the foundation of sustainable relationships.
You've spent your whole life taking care of everyone else.
Maybe it's time to take care of you too.
At Javery Integrative Wellness Services, we help accomplished Black women transform external success into internal satisfaction through culturally responsive, holistic therapy that honors both your achievements and your authentic desires.
Learning boundaries is a practice, not perfection. Our therapists understand the unique challenges Black women face in setting boundaries—from cultural expectations to family dynamics to internalized beliefs about what it means to be "good."
Get support from someone who understands your experience. Find your JIWS therapist here: www.javerywellness.com/get-started
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What's the hardest person/situation for you to set boundaries with? Drop a 🙋🏾♀️ if it's family, 💼 if it's work, ❤️ if it's romantic relationships. Let's talk about it in the comments.